I didn’t want to come back and announce my obvious hiatus, but here we are. In the past eight months (I honestly didn’t realize it had been that long) since I’ve posted, a lot has happened, and I honestly didn’t feel good enough about myself to post anything and I just wasn’t motivated or inspired enough to think of content ideas. It wasn’t until recently when one of my favorite rappers, Nipsey Hussle died, that I realized how short life is, and how his music always spoke to focusing on your passion, putting in the work and going after what you want. He’s inspired me greatly through words since 2010, and in his passing he inspired me to get off my ass and get to it.
So here I am, back here because although I know blogs have transitioned a bit to Instagram these days, I still need this outlet AND this is my baby and I want to see it GROW!
Back to the last eight months. I’d be lying if I said they weren’t trying. In the last year, I was more depressed than I’ve ever been, more sick than I’ve ever been, more heartbroken than I’ve ever been, and more self-deprecating than I’ve ever been.
Entering 2019 after a break up was one of the hardest things I dealt with. I thought at the time it was due to the routine that would be broken from my partner no longer being around, but in reality I fell into a depression because I was not only hurt but disappointed in myself. I allowed someone to lie to me and make me believe things about myself that were untrue for a year a year and a half. I wasn’t the woman I know myself or my friends and family knew me to be and it was truly beginning to haunt me.
I’ve done a lot of crying and praying over the past few months. I needed direction so I began to draw a lot closer to God. I started talking though my depression with my grandparents, and to be honest, it was the first time I wasn’t afraid to tell family I was dealing with depression.
I read somewhere that there is direction in your depression. That in those times, God is preparing you for what is to come next in life. It’s literally the process that coal goes through to become a diamond. The fire, the pressure. I was deep in that process. It was dark, hot and it wasn’t fun.
Now, thankfully and by the grace of God and the universe, I’m much better.
I have drowned myself in work, because to be honest a lot of my professional goals fell to the side in my relationship. It’s hard to want to accomplish your goals when you don’t feel like you have the support of the person you’re supposed to be closest with. I’ll never let that shit happen again.
Along with drowning myself in work, my biggest goal to accomplish is financial freedom. I have been setting a plan to pay off all my debt this year. I’m going to get aggressive with my payments, but I am not going to beat myself up if December 31, 2019 comes and I still have $5,000 dollars left to pay. Being mad at myself won’t be worth the trouble or stress.
I’m working on finding a black therapist this year. I really need to talk to someone who understands some of the societal and racial issues and pressures that I unfortunately deal with. I’m excited to get into therapy , because I have a lot to unpack.
I’m focusing on being a better friend this year. For the past year and some change, I haven’t even been good to myself, so I’ve literally had nothing good to offer to anyone else. Now that I am refocusing and refining, I really want to show up for my friends in ways I just haven’t known how to in the past.
I’ve started buying Black, and reinvesting into the businesses of people who look like me. If this bothers you… this ain’t the blog for you. I’m very Black btw. In February I went to visit my best friends in Philly and we had conversations about buying Black which really inspired me to assist in that effort. Since, I’ve spent a lot of money with people who look like me. I think I want to add a Black beauty products of the month series to the blog soon. I just ordered some body care products from a Black-owned business called Krazy Essentials and I’m really excited to try them out.
Lately I’ve been trying to focus my efforts on things that make me happy. If you read my previous post, you know how jade rolling has helped with my anxiety, but I’m also becoming a plant mom. Yes, you read that right. I don’t know why, but greenery has really been brightening up my days lately. So now I’m about to turn my apartment into a damn jungle. I don’t know if I have a green thumb or not, but luckily I have a good friend named Oliver who does and if they die, I’m sending them to Uncle Oli’s house to be revived.
I’m still working out and trying to eat well, which I realized just helps me mentally, spiritually physically and emotionally. When I went through my depression, I stopped working out. I could barely stop crying and get off the couch. I would literally breakdown and cry in my car everyday after work, so there was no making it to the gym. But, that’s changing. I know some people workout with the intention of accomplishing various goals, including weight loss, but that’s not my ministry. I need it to survive and keep my mind right.
I can’t think of anything else right now. I’m praying the spirit of obedience and consistency over my life. I have a lot of content ideas to come, so let’s hope my full-time job (or me) doesn’t get in the way of the goal of spending time here.
I’m organizing my thoughts and my life right now.
Overall, what’s most important is that I stay healthy mentally.
Comment below and let me know what you’ve been up to lately!